


All The Bright Places

by lenadenck



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 14:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14718053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenadenck/pseuds/lenadenck
Summary: Daniel woke up every day wondering if it was a good day to be dead. Phil never thought of it before his brother died in a car accident. They both realise, in a roof, that trying to save each other is more important than their own lives.





	All The Bright Places

**Author's Note:**

> This is an adaptation of the book All The Bright Places, and it does have suicidal jokes and thoughts. So, if you feel bad about it, please don't read this oneshot OR the original book.

I look at myself in the mirror: a tall, corpulent figure, with my pale and dry skin pointing out the fact that I had no sleep or mental peace last night. Momma used to say I was unstable, now she just likes to pretend I am not around, like if I didn't live in the same house.

My room is painted in a dark shade of blue. It makes the space seem darker and beautiful. This is it, this is the day to stop joking about depression and actually doing something about it: putting an end to it.

There were several other days when I also came to the roof of my school just so I could plan my jump. In all of those days, I always found something wrong about this method: once I saw a child going directly into the place I was going to jump into, which would be a hell of a traumatic experience to the poor little child.

The roof looked the same and the people that I could see still were the same bitchy, rich ones. How would they react if I died right in front of them? Maybe Amanda would scream at the blood coming out of my messed up head and would hug Ryan, while he commented about how fucked up my face looked with my eyes popping out and all of the cuts. 

Those fake bastards.

I spent years and years of my life at the same school, changing characters several times just so I could shock them and try to find the real Daniel. It turns out all of the Dan Howells had the same wish of being as dead as they could be by the end of the day.

The punk Dan actually thought suicide was a selfish thing to do, so the real Dan put an end on him and now, Indie Rock Dan took his place. Indie rock didn't give a shit about all of the people standing on the damn floor, as none of them ever cared about any of the Dans. Nothing could convince me of not jumping.

Maybe...

No, nothing. Nothing could.

An almost silent sob caught my attention as I was laughing at Amanda, that bloody blonde girl with the green skirt. Right by my side, wearing black jeans and a light yellow shirt, was Philip Something. I never actually cared of learning other people's last names. His face, once pale and sharp, now was all red and round from, probably, all of the crying. He looked down, shaking by the idea of being so high. 

-Trust me, the worst thing you could do is looking down. 

Slowly, he turns his head and watches my face, as I, for some reason, try to look calm and protective. There are no blinks or other sobs, just a giant feeling of terror in his eyes. His actually really pretty blue eyes. Indie Rock Dan loved blue.

-Don't you think they look kind of pathetic from here? - I ask, pointing at Amanda, Gabe and Philip's known ex boyfriend Ryan. - I mean, I know you love them, but look at it. The girl is literally wearing orange and green in the same outfit. Tragic...

I knew he was super popular: behind that red face and the horrific expression, there was a sweet and loved person who walked with the very wrong people. He had big eyes, a delicate face and a small body. Provably the example of person Ryan Cross loved to take on dinners. 

-You're Philip, aren't you? - he nods, horrified still. - I'm Daniel Howell? We used to sit next to each other at math class like, two years ago. God, I hate math. Well, it's not why I'm up here. No offense if this is your reason.

I notice I am talking too much. He has a scared expression on his, oh, Jesus, lovely face while I keep talking about how boring math is. 

-It's raining. - I notice, still talking. - Probably the water will wash our blood? 

He's shaking when he decides to actually talk to me.

-Could you please stop joking about it? I am terrified enough. - his voice is soft and calm, a little high. I nod with my head, showing just a little empathy once in my life. 

-I am so sorry. Would you like to talk? Maybe, if we get to know each other well enough now, we could jump together, hand by hand?

He looks at me and I get that he is thinking about how stupid I look and act all of the time.

-If it's not because of math, why are you here? - Philip asks, sitting in the border of the roof, almost falling. The tragic thing about being suicidal is that you usually don't care about the idea of falling off when you are actually already planning to. 

-Well, this is not an easy question. I usually come here because of how much of a disappointment I am to my dad and how much I hate other people and would love to see them becoming so guilty after seeing me dead they would actually feel like it was their fault. Well, it is. The amount of bullying and all of the times your friends beat the shit out of me are actually very guilty of my decisions. - I say, without stopping to breathe. His eyes get bigger as I talk about his friends, which is an actual normal reaction.

-They never did anything to you. - he affirms, while I sit right beside him. 

-Oh, yeah, they did. All day. You know, that boyfriend of yours, Ryan, once made me wear glasses to school for two weeks because of how purple my eyes were from how much he punched me. And you know why? Because I'm bi, isn't that ironic? He punches me until I almost die because I like sucking dick and there he was, sucking yours. 

I decide it's time to stop talking as soon as he starts crying all over again, punching himself in the arms and wetting his yellow shirt. Good one, Dan, you made him cry. Good one!

-You're pretty rude for a suicidal guy. - he says, with courage. 

-Okay, I am actually sorry. Tell me, why are you here? 

He shakes again, turning his whole body just to look into my eyes. I feel like his eyes complement mine. The darkness of my eyes is truly reflected on the blue of his. It looked like art. 

-You have to swear to God you will never tell anyone what I am about to tell you. - he raises his pinky finger and I cross mine with his. 

-Well, if I die today as I am planning, I will have no one to talk about it. - I laugh, but soon stop and shake my dark brown hair as I wait for him to start. - I swear.

-Hm. - he is obviously trying to figure out if he can trust me. I hold his hand tight on my chest, as a sign of respect. - Thank you. Everyone knows this, but no one knows the true story. Six months ago, I was at a party with my brother and... Well, I drank a little bit. I asked him to drive us back home and we had a fight.

He starts sobbing really loud and I fear for his life, I fear he is actually going to jump out of that roof. I feel the need to protect him. Maybe it's Indie Rock Dan or something like that. I hold his hand again, kissing the back of it as if we had any intimacy, but we don't. 

-We missed a turn and the car fell down. I woke up maybe some minutes after it, and when I looked at my side, my brother was full of blood and clearly dead. - he hugs me suddenly and I have the opportunity to hold his waist as if it was the last thing I would do in my life. Because it probably is. - The last thing I did was fight with him, tell him I hated him because of some stupid drinks. It was supposed to be me, not him. 

I look at him for maybe what felt like hours. He is the saddest and most beautiful human being I have ever seen and his friends truly never deserved him. He deserves to feel alive and loved everyday.

-You can't go today. - I say as if it was that simple. 

-I'm sorry?

-Please, don't go. Your brother would be disappointed at you if you killed yourself because of his death. - I hold his face in both of my hands, feeling his small cheeks and his soft skin. 

-Why are you telling me that? You don't even know me. - he defends himself, trying to escape from my desperate hands.

-Why did you told me your story? You don't even know me. - I reply, feeling tears in my eyes. - Please, please don't go. This is the first time I told someone this, but I won't die happily if I see you dead first. Please, I am begging you.

-And why would I do this just for you? 

-Because we are literally in the same place, standing on a roof top and thinking about dying. We are the same, I know what you feel.

He looks at the ground once again, where Amanda is looking at him with confusion in her eyes. I can see her laughing at me and pointing at my clothes. 

-So, if I say that I am not going to jump from here... - he starts, licking his lips. - You won't too. 

-What? I have nothing to do with it!

-You just said we are the same, we want the same things. If I don't deserve to die, you don't too. - he holds both of my hands, looking deep into my eyes. - Don't you have any curiosity about what your life will become? Any!? And, let's be realistic, those people would feel guilty for like, a year, and then they would totally forget you ever existed. Is your life so simple it is defined by the thought of the people that once bullied you? Daniel, Dan... You seem like an amazing person, you deserve to be happy. And if I give up of jumping, you will too. I believe in you.

"I believe in you". This is the sentence that made me break into heavy, clear tears. I hold him with all of my strength and all of my heart. 

-There are wonderful places out there, isn't it? - I say, silently. 

-What do you mean?

I look at him again, and for the first time I see how his normal skin color looks. He is calming down.

-Would you like to visit them with me? 

He smiles, Philip smiles. His teeth are not perfect, but his smile is one of the wonderful places I want to visit. Everyday.

-Is the ground of this school one of those places.

-No, it is not. - I smile too, looking at our hands together. 

-So, we could visit any place you want every day. What do you think, Dan? 

-I would love it, Phil.

We leave the roof, hand in hand, looking at each other. Sometimes life is not supposed to be perfect, the imperfections on it make it worth living.

And Phil is the person that turns imperfection into perfection.

And for the first time in years, I think: this is not a good day to die.

**Author's Note:**

> Never treat suicidal thoughts as a natural condition. Please look for help, frol anyone you trust. If you don't trust anyone, look for professional help without even thinking. Life is worth living, believe me.


End file.
